What am I so afraid of...happiness?

What is it you are afraid of? You can feel an inner urge to let go of the things of the world and find yourself, yet I think you are afraid of letting go, which leaves you in two minds. One still attached to your regular life, and one wanting to be released from it. I often have this same problem. To seek enlightenment, you must take vows and follow them strictly. Hence why there are different levels in Buddhism. There is the lay person, who follows the general principles of compassion, non-harm etc. But to seek enlightenment takes more effort and discipline. If you choose this path, you should seek to have a teacher guide you, as it can be quite dangerous to seek enlightenment on your own, since you are still attached to things in life. So, its up to you to choose which path you want to take. If you choose to be a layman, then don't feel bad for not following the path all the time, but just remind yourself and practice being aware, so you know when you aren't doing the right thing. Good luck..